I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*