I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
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All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here