I triple waxed for this?
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
âAm I as bored as you are?â can be read backwards and still make sense.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! đ
Today: I can’t get groceries. đ
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
At my daughterâs 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure sheâs eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if sheâd ever actually met a 4yo.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, Iâm married
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now thatâs the only way to make friends at school
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Who called it âThe Last Supperâ and not âJesus take the mealâ
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddlerâs holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Bored, but not âgo to the mall the week before Christmasâ bored.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now âmotherâ. So formal all of a sudden.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.