I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Found the job I’m suited for
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?