“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
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Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Squirrels before girls.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes