i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.