Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
*pulls lighter from bra*
Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?