I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.