@sensual_dad

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

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@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

@smithsara79

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

@scot7a

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

@delome10

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

@NewDadNotes

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

@AimeeHelene1

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

@DanMentos

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

@HousewifeOfHell

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.