@sensual_dad

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

@TimFullerton

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

@dreamthievin

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

@DestineyLynn

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

@debon7

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

@WheelTod

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

@GoldenSpirals

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@AndyAsAdjective

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?