@ilovepie84

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

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@ieatanddrink

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

@djdarrellripley

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

@slimmy_shady

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

@GrantTanaka

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

@megan_stuhr

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

@mariana057

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

@chuuew

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

@amyistrouble

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

@dazedandsincere

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.