If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
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Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.