I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.


Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.


Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.


Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.


Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.


Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.


Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that


my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no


I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.


I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.