@TheBoydP

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

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@Contwixt

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

@Sorrowscopes

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

@coffeegirlNZ

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

@RodLacroix

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

@mrjohndarby

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

@Thepocketjustin

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.