I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
You Might Also Like
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before