@sonictyrant If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
@notfaizzy I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
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@sonictyrant 
@SteveKoehler22 The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
@KeetPotato i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
@GrowlyGrego [spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
@RocketRankoon Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
@KentWGraham I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
@perlhack me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
@Petote Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
@panmidwest THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
@LurkAtHomeMom *hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME