@notfaizzy

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

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@sonictyrant

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

@SteveKoehler22

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

@KeetPotato

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

@RocketRankoon

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

@perlhack

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

@Petote

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless