I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
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me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
What is going on? 😅
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Seek kebab; not attention
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.