I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
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The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop