I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I’m giving up for Lent.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you