I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off