I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”