I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it