I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.
Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I am never leaving this website
DTF (Down time finally)
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.