I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
What
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar