@SamSkinnerKC

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

You Might Also Like

@SonOfCha

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

@Jandalize

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

@TheMamusa

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

@FrogAvalanche

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@LeonEarlgrey

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

@Smooheed

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

@causticbob

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

@zachreinert0

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

@MadHatterMommy

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds