I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
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Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
no their not
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.