Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds