I try
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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best