I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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No, I haven’t seen any dogs
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
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Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.