I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Teach your children to beatbox
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?