I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.


Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.


*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH


her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza


Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.


The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.


5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.


“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.


I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing


A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.