@SaraESpivey

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

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@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

@Brentweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

@Browtweaten

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

@ndiquote

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

@PeychoKanev

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@TheForbesFam

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

@Carbosly

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

@maryfairybobrry

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

@OyVeyLady

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.