I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I want to meet the individual who made this
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
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Where’s my employee discount too?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.