I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
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Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Don’t make me out nice you.