I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.