I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
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Seems a bit forward
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried