I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it