i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”