I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Great Canadian literature.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.