I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
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when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
c’mon!
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me