I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I don’t think my car can fly
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”