I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot