I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

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“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege


PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.


When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.


I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”


Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.


my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”


So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids


Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.


I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.


I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.