I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.


Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation


*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!


People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.


If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.


When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”


[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.


[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?


I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.