@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

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@bewgtweets

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

@mrtruthandsoul

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

@ThisOneSayz

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

@DurtMcHurtt

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

@LuvPug

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

@BoomBoomBetty

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

@omically

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

@LizHackett

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.