I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.