@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

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@thepunningman

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

@AndrewChamings

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

@Social_Mime

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

@MatCro

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

@Kyle_Lippert

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

@zoeklar

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

@JustinGuarini

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

@trevso_electric

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

@goodhairperson

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.