I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
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My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
🤣😈🤣
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.