i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes