I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show