@Bob_Janke

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

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@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

@sixfootcandy

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

@justmommabee

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

@imence2

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

@fro_vo

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

@De_ja_vu_who

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

@JefeJK47

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

@riot4rach

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

@goodhairperson

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

@Marlebean

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”