I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.


BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.


Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.


Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.


[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me


Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time


I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.


Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering


[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell


Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”