I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Breaking news:
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
me linking you to my twitter
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell