I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.