I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
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Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.