I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.