I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Me trying to reach for my goals
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.