I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’d rather go liquor treating.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways