I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Happy Star Wars day!
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE