I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.


The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.


A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.


10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.


Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.


I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”


I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.