I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?