I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I don’t get marriage
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.