I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
He’s dead
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
More like Kate Missington.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.