I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.