Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
WHAT DO WE WANT?
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?