@mikeym00n
@TheSofiya Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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@TheSofiya 
@TheTweetOfGod Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
@spikeWilton67 Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
@TitaniumToplass Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
@Playing_Dad Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
@luckyt76 Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
@claire_mudie Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
@Be___Dope [ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
@QwertyJones3 [leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
@TheAlexNevil WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?