I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Finished stitching this today 😇
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight