I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.